All Is Dark
by metalanddust
Summary: Tom has been killed and Liz struggles to cope and come to grips that Red was the man responsible for putting an end to him. Reddington/Liz. My first fan fiction, so please be gentle :)


_Hello there. I own nothing to do with the Blacklist, I just find the show fabulous and am hoping I am not the only one who sees some amazing chemistry between Red and Liz. This is my first fan fiction, so I hope I'm not doing a terrible job at it. I hope the characterization is okay. This takes place somewhat after the recent episode where Liz discovers the truth about Tom. I would love to hear your thoughts as it would really help._

* * *

**_All Is Dark_**

Liz sat in the bathtub, listening to the heavy drumming of rain outside the window. It was an overcast, miserable day outside and it casted a melancholic grey hue around the bathroom. The weather outside seemed to reflect how she was feeling within. As she sunk down deeper into the mildly warm water, getting her hair wet and watching as it floated around her like a dark net, she had a wild idea of submerging her head fully in so she would possibly drown and never have to face the terrible, hard world again.

It had been two weeks. Two very long weeks since Tom was murdered.

It wasn't like it had been when her father Sam died. When Sam died, she had constant distractions around her so she couldn't wallow too much and Red to help pull her through.

_Red..._

Her heart constricted painfully at the thought of him. It had been seven days since the last time she saw him, and she didn't want to be anywhere near him at the moment. It was too hard and it only served to bring back the harsh, painful memories of what happened to Tom and just who was responsible for him meeting his end.

It didn't even matter that Tom wasn't truly who she thought he was; She still grieved his death as if he hadn't done anything wrong, as if he was who he appeared to be for her and not some deceptive man on a mission. Thomas Keen, a loving man who was dedicated on teaching English and Mathematics.

Now Liz desired little more than to sleep all day.

She hardly ate, her appetite was long gone, and it was a challenge to get herself out of bed in the mornings. Sometimes she didn't even bother. Sleeping took her away to another world; a place and time where Tom was still with her, as her husband and not as who he was in the last moments of his life. Sometimes she would forget he was dead and would reach for him in the sheets for comfort, only to remember a second too late that Tom's gone now and he isn't ever coming back, that Tom Keen never truly existed and that he was just a false identity to get closer to her.

Now he was gone and it hurt like hell... The pain never seemed to end.

Sitting up in the tub, Liz wiped the water out of her eyes and stared at the spotless white tiles decorating the walls impassively. She felt so alone. The ringing silence in her house, the nothingness made her feel even more sad. Wrapping her arms around her bare body, she hugged herself tightly, bowing her head to rest it on her knees. When she lifted her head again, she caught sight of a colored piece of paper under the toothbrush holder on the basin. Her brows furrowed; She hadn't noticed it there under the toothbrush holder before, unless it was put underneath there recently. Gripping the edges of the bathtub and climbing slowly to her feet, she reached over the sink to slide it out to read it.

It was small, neatly written handwriting on a Post-It note in bright red pen.

_Whenever you're ready, come to me. We need to urgently talk._

She pressed a hand flat against her mouth as the written words and the meaning of them slowly sunk into her brain. She knew who had written it instantly. He'd been in her house, maybe today while she was sleeping. Maybe he'd wanted to check and see if she was alright, and whether she was ready to talk to him and start thinking about the next target on his self-compiled list of perpetrators? She didn't know how he got into her house- had he knocked, she certainly wouldn't have let him in- but then, maybe that was the point? He knew she didn't want to see him, so he forced his way inside.

It wouldn't have been the first time Red had done that to Liz.

When Tom had died, Liz was keen to resume working, as she had been when Sam died. But with Cooper's insistence, she'd taken a month's leave of absence. The last time she had seen Red was seven days ago, and she had counted. After Tom's funeral, he had asked if she was alright and offered his condolences- even buying her flowers and a souvenir from his latest travels- which Liz turned away from with a cold shoulder. Before that, he had held a gun to Tom's chest and pulled the trigger. Thanks to his hand, Tom was dead and she was now a thirty-one year old widow.

Every time she thought of it that way, of what Red did; it brought on a pain so intense and crippling. It was why she needed the time off work, some space from Reddington, so she could properly grieve. Seeing the man who had shot her husband every day at work and being in close quarters with him was not the easiest thing to do.

It wasn't something that gave you closure.

So for the past few weeks she had opted to being alone, locked inside her house. The only time she left was when she was needing something from the grocery store. She had just only mustered up enough energy to start taking the dog Hudson out on his daily walks again around the park. But aside from that, she hardly left the house or any of the rooms. She had no visitors, just Hudson lingering around, curled up beside her in bed with his head resting in her lap, and giving her a sense of purpose in feeding him morning and nights. That was strictly it, and she preferred living that way for the time being.

To live any other way would have only been a lie; an act of pretense.

But this note wasn't one she could ignore. Seeing Red was probably best. Just not right now. She didn't feel as if she was ready just yet. It hurt too much, and seeing him would have only opened the wound up and made it raw and bloody again.

* * *

Next morning, with some effort, Liz got out of bed and forced herself to dress into a warm jacket and comfortable track pants. She slipped on her trainers, found the lead, and took Hudson outside so she could take him for a walk. When the dog squatted on the ground outside the front door to do his business, Liz took his stillness to her advantage to attach the lead to his collar.

The ground was slick with water and the sun was only just rising.

Liz felt as if she was detached, in a movie, as she started walking down the pavement with Hudson. She cut in through the park, having trouble restraining Hudson on the lead. His tail started wagging furiously and he began to make whining, huffing noises at something. He tended to get boisterous and excited whenever she took him out for walks, and it was sapping away all her energy struggling to hold him tight. When Liz lifted her eyes to see what Hudson was making a fuss about, she felt a coldness like liquid trickling throughout every inch of her veins.

Red was sitting at the park bench just below a bent, wilted tree in the shade, staring out contemplatively at the long stretch of green land that consisted of the park. He was wearing gloves and his thick beige coat with a scarf, with his flamboyant amber-lensed glasses. He had placed his black fedora hat near him on the bench so that no one would even think of sitting beside him. As if sensing she was there, he raised his chin and turned to look in her direction.

Liz felt her stomach muscles jerk unpleasantly.

Just like that, it tore in the center of her eyes again. That night.

_Red holding the small black handgun to Tom's chest, touching him with the metal. The blank, chilling look in Tom's eyes. No fear at being held at gunpoint. No anything. A man Liz felt as if she didn't know or recognize anymore. "Go ahead and shoot me then," Tom muttered distantly like a bold dare, as if he didn't believe Reddington had the guts to actually go ahead and do it. A shot ringing out, echoing around the room like a cacophony. Tom staggering backwards before crumpling to the floor. The blood staining the whites of his teeth as he smiled at Liz from where she stood over him, crying so hard that her vision blurred and wavered... The thick blood pooling and spreading around her feet from the wound in the left side of his chest. Tom's last heave of breath as his empty eyes remained on hers, even in his final dying moments. The wailing scream that she hadn't even realized was coming from herself until Red's arms were wrapped around her and he was pulling her to him. _

She wasn't expecting to see Red so soon. She instantly regretted deciding to take Hudson out for a walk into the real, open world. If she had known beforehand that it would make her run into the very man she last wanted to see, she wouldn't have bothered with it all.

He stood from the bench and brought his hand up in greeting before reaching down and collecting his hat.

She had a sudden nagging impulse to turn and run in order to avoid him, but Hudson's tugging on the lead grew even stronger, as if Hudson himself was magnetized towards the man. Liz felt stupefied and paralyzed from the head downwards as he began to approach her slowly, his long coat billowing in the breeze. Just as Red was within reach, he removed his glasses, folding them, and Hudson barreled forward, sniffing his trouser pant leg curiously while Red reached down to pat the curly-haired dog on the head.

Finally regaining her bearings, Liz tugged on the lead forcefully and turned away from him, her heart pounding so quickly in her chest she began to grow faint. Determined to talk to her, Red reached over and she felt his hand close tightly over her left forearm, holding her back to him.

"Lizzie, please," he said quietly. "We need to talk. I know you're hurting and this is hurting me just as much. If you don't feel like talking to me here, I can arrange for Dembe to contact you with a far more suitable location."

"We have nothing to talk about," Liz retorted stiffly. "I have nothing to say to you. I'm off-duty for the month."

"We need to talk about what happened. We need to get past this and come to some understanding. Words cannot adequately describe how sorry I am, Lizzie. I don't know what to say or what to do to make this any easier."

"What you can do that's the right thing," Liz said, flinging her arm loose, "is to leave me alone for good. We're done."

She watched with hatred as he placed his hat on his head, lowering the brim strategically near his eyes. "Lizzie," he said desperately, reaching out to touch her again.

She actually felt herself shudder. "Don't you dare touch me," she warned, her voice vibrating. "You killed Tom. You shot him, and I was there. You killed my husband right before my very own eyes." Crying wasn't an option for her; She felt too drained, too overwrought with various emotions. Anger, disbelief, terror. She had been crying long enough, and she didn't think she had any tears left to spare. All that was left... was a hollow constant ache in the middle of her throat. "I'm traumatized. I can't think of anything else but the look on his face and all the... the blood. I can't stand the sight of you. Oh God, I can't even stand the sound of your voice right now. I don't want you attempting to touch me or offer me any comfort with those same hands that held that gun to my husband and those same fingers that pulled that trigger and murdered him cold-blooded. Because of that, you don't get to touch me. Not ever."

Hurt flashed in his eyes and his mouth compressed into a tight, thin line. Then he gave a silent jerking movement of the head, as if acknowledging her words, storing the pain from them away for later, and dismissing them just as quickly. "I'm not disputing that I killed him, Lizzie. I'm well aware I was the one that pulled that trigger. Seeing you hurting like this makes it another thing added to the pile of the list of things that I regret. But he wasn't your husband, Lizzie. Your husband never existed. It was a lie, a cover, and he doesn't deserve your grief. I did you a favor, in killing him. I saved your life."

Liz felt something hot spark between her ribs, fanning itself furiously, spreading. "So is that how you're going to excuse what you did? You're still going to maintain that this is all about protecting me?"

"I take full responsibility for being the one that ended him," he said, each word coming at her like a bite. "But as I said and I will say again; I will do whatever I believe I have to do necessary to keep you safe. Killing Tom was just another one of those things, Lizzie." He took in a deep breath, shaking his head, biting the inside of his cheek. "You may hate me now for what I've done. You may never want to talk to me ever again, or no less want to be in the same room as me, and that's fair. But I saved your life that night. To me, it's all that matters."

"No, you've ruined it," she bit back, just as cuttingly. "You've ruined my life. I have no husband anymore. I'm a shell of the woman I used to be now. And maybe that was your grand scheme all along. To ruin me and every facet of my life."

"I love you, Lizzie." The words came out of nowhere, as if they had carelessly fallen off his tongue. Yet his heart was in the unexpected declaration and in the deep quivering of his voice. "Tell me to burn the entire world down for you, and I will. Tell me to start a war for you, and I'll do it, no hesitations." He gave her a tight-lipped, remorseful smile. "You once asked me why you were so important to me, and what made you so special. The answer is that I love you, Lizzie; An answer you probably wouldn't have ever dreamed to consider, due to the fact its bound to be so horrifying and ghastly on you. I told you it was about your father, and that side of it was the truth. It _is_ about your father, and so much more... too complicated to put adequately into words for you to fully understand."

Liz recoiled away from him in shock, taking Hudson with her. She laughed outright. "Do you hear yourself, Red? Can you even hear me at all?" She shook her head. "Stay away from me and don't ever try to get into contact with me again."

"I'll see you once you feel well enough to return to work, Lizzie."

Liz had so many comebacks in her brain then, so many indignant responses to wound him with, yet none would seem to come to her voice, they simply just blistered painfully at the back of her throat. In the only way left to do, she turned without another word, dragging Hudson along with her.

_A/N: I hope you enjoyed the start. It was so difficult to write. I'm so nervous about posting on here, so please be gentle with me. :-) _


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